Best Quotes of Leo Valdez
by Anisoka4Life
Summary: Leo Valdez's best and funny quotes.


**Best Quotes of Leo Valdez:**

 **The Lost Hero**

 **FIRST QUOTE:**

"Gaea?" Leo shook his head. "Isn't that Mother Nature? She's supposed to have, like, flowers in her hair and birds singing around her and deer and rabbits doing her laundry."

"Leo, that's Snow White," Piper said.

 **SECOND QUOTE:**

"She wanted me to betray you, and I was like, "Pfft, right, I'm gonna listen to a face in the potty sludge."

 **THIRD QUOTE:**

Leo lowered his screwdriver. He looked at the ceiling and shook his head like, What am I gonna do with this guy?

"I try very hard to be annoying," Leo said. "Don't insult my ability to annoy. And how am I supposed to resent you if you go apologizing? I'm a lowly mechanic. You're like the prince of the sky, son of the Lord of the Universe. I'm supposed to resent you."

"Lord of the Universe?" (Jason)

"Sure, you're all-bam! Lightning man. And 'Watch me fly. I am the eagle that soars-" (Leo)

"Shut up, Valdez." (Jason)

Leo managed a little smile. "Yeah, see. I do annoy you."

 **FOURTH QUOTE**

"Rainbows. Very Macho!"

 **FIFTH QUOTE**

"We were absolutely destined to meet your hot sister." (Leo said this to Jason about Thalia.)

 **MARK OF ATHENA:**

 **FIRST QUOTE** :

He turned to Frank who was trying to pull his fingers out of the Chinese handcuffs…

"Okay," Frank relented. "Sure." He frowned at his fingers, trying to pull them out of the trap. "Uh, how do you—"

Leo chuckled. "Man, you've never seen those before? There's a simple trick to getting out."

Frank tugged again with no luck. Even Hazel was trying not to laugh.

Frank grimaced with concentration. Suddenly, he disappeared. On the deck where he'd been standing, a green iguana crouched next to an empty set of Chinese handcuffs.

"Well done, Frank Zhang," Leo said dryly, doing his impression of Chiron the centaur. "That is exactly how people beat Chinese handcuffs. They turn into iguanas."

 **SECOND QUOTE:**

Aphros nodded, a glint of pride in his eyes. "We have trained all the famous mer-heroes! Name a famous mer-hero, and we have trained him or her!"

"Oh, sure," Leo said. "Like…um, the Little Mermaid?"

Aphros frowned. "Who? No! Like Triton, Glaucus, Weissmuller, and Bill!"

"Oh. "Leo had no idea who any of those people were. "You trained Bill? Impressive."

 **THIRD QUOTE:**

"Leo drummed his fingers. "Great. I should have installed a smoke screen that makes the ship smell like a giant chicken nugget. Remind me to invent that, next time."

Hazel frowned. "What is a chicken nugget?"

"Oh, man…" Leo shook his head in amazement. "That's right. You've missed the last, like, seventy years. Well, my apprentice, a chicken nugget—"

"Doesn't matter," Annabeth interrupted."

 **FOURTH QUOTE**

"The eidolons started pounding on the door.

'Who is it?' Leo called.

'Valdez!'

'Valdez who?"

 **FIFTH QUOTE**

"We've all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I'm tragically funny and good-looking."

 **SIXTH QUOTE**

"When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war." (Hazel)

"Mussolini?" Leo frowned. "Wasn't he like BFFs with Hitler?"

 **EIGHTH QUOTE**

"Scrawny? Baby, I invented scrawny. Scrawny is the new sizzling hot."

 **HOUSE OF HADES :**

 **FIRST QUOTE**

Jason faltered when he looked at Leo, who was mimicking taking notes with an air pencil.

"Go on, Professor Grace!" he said, wide-eyed. "I wanna get an A on the test."

 **SECOND QUOTE**

Thunder boomed overhead. Lightning flashed, and the bars on the nearest window burst into sizzling, melted stubs of iron.

Jason flew in like Peter Pan, electricity sparking around him and his gold sword steaming.

Leo whistled appreciatively. "Man, you just wasted an _awesome_ entrance."

Jason frowned. He noticed the hog-tied Kerkopes. "What the—"

All by myself," Leo said. "I'm special that way."

 **THIRD QUOTE**

"Oh, by the way…" Jason glanced at Percy. "I resigned my office, gave Frank a field promotion to praetor. Unless you want to contest that ruling."

Percy grinned. "No argument here."

"Praetor?" Hazel stared at Frank.

He shrugged uncomfortably. "Well… yeah. I know it seems weird." She tried to throw her arms around him, then winced as she remembered her busted ribs. She settled for kissing him. "It seems perfect."

Leo clapped Frank on the shoulder. "Way to go, Zhang. Now you can order Octavian to fall on his sword."

 **Blood Of Olympus**

 **First Quote**

"Correct." Kekrops sounded bitter, like he regretted his decision. "My people were the original Athenians-the gemini."

"Like your zodiac sign?" Percy asked. "I'm a Leo."

"No, stupid," Leo said. "I'm a Leo. You're a Percy."

 **SECOND QUOTE**

He forced his fists to unclench. "Look, lady, we're not going to go all Hunger Games on each other. Isn't going to happen."

 **THIRD QUOTE**

"If the statue engulfs people in fire, we should send Leo.' (Percy)

"I love you too, man." (Leo)

"You know what I mean. You're immune. Or, heck, give me some of those nice water grenades and I'll go. Ares and I have tangled before." (Percy)

 **FOURTH QUOTE**

Leo scratched his head. "Well I dunno about Enchiladas—"

"Enceladus," Piper corrected.

"Whatever. But Old Potty Face mentioned another name. Porpoise Fear, or something?"

"Porphyrion?" Piper asked. "He was the giant king, I think."

 **FIFTH QUOTE**

Leo's voice boomed over the loudspeaker: 'SURRENDER! YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY ONE SPANKING HOT WAR MACHINE!'

The giant Enceladus howled in outrage. 'Valdez!'

'WHAT'S UP, ENCHILADAS?' Leo's voice roared back. 'NICE DAGGER IN YOUR FOREHEAD.'

'GAH!' The giant pulled Katoptris out of his head. 'Monsters: destroy that ship!"

 **SIXTH QUOTE**

Leo smiled nervously. Maybe he and Percy did share something else – a stupid sense of humor.

'Yeah, I bet that would totally be against her sponsorship deal. THOSE ARE NOT THE OFFICIAL SHOES OF THE OLYMPICS! YOU WILL DIE NOW!'

Hazel rolled her eyes. 'You're both impossible.'

Behind Leo, a thunderous voice shook the ruins: 'YOU WILL DIE NOW!"

 **SEVENTH QUOTE**

At the end of the hall stood a walnut door with a bronze plaque:

ASCLEPIUS

MD, DMD, DME, DC, DVS, FAAN, OMG, EMT, TTYL, FRCP, ME, IOU, OD, OT, PHARMD, BAMF, RN, PHD, INC., SMH

There may have been more acronyms in the list, but by that point Leo's brain had exploded.

 **EIGHTH QUOTE**

Leo had recently discovered how to change the display, like the Times Square JumboTron,so now the banner read: Merry Christmas! All your presents belong to Leo!

 **NINTH QUOTE**

"Why would Gaia be back at camp?' Leo asked. 'Percy's nosebleed was here.'

'Dude,' Percy said, 'first off, you heard Athena – don't blame my nose. Second, Gaia's the earth. She can pop up anywhere she wants. Besides, she told us she was going to do this. She said the first thing on her to-do list was destroying our camp. Question is: how do we stop her?"


End file.
